Changing Blog Address

Please update your links to: blogspot.themerrylittlebreezes.com. I changed my email address on Gmail awhile back and just exported this blog to the new one. This blog will be deleted in a couple of weeks.

Tiny Dancer

Claire began dance class last Tuesday. She was so, so excited. She's talked about nothing except dance ever since Alair's dance recital in May. She can't wait until it's her turn to have a recital and dance on the stage.
A week before class started, we went shopping to buy her gear. I took her to Payless to get shoes. Claire had the choice of pink, white, or black ballet slippers, and since Alair had pink ones, and Claire loves pink, I naturally assumed that that's what she would pick out. Nope. Claire decided she wanted black. I was impressed. After trying on a couple of sizes, we bought a pair of (very tiny and adorable) size 8 ballet slippers.
Next came the tap shoes. Or as Claire refers to them, "tap-tap" shoes. I had her go up to the front of the store where it wasn't carpeted and told her to try them out. She grinned at me, held out her arms, and performed a few of the dance steps Alair has taught her over the summer. I have rarely seen anything so precious.
Then we went to Target for a leotard and tights. There we had a choice of black, pink, or blue. I told Claire that she could have any color, but the style should be plain, not with any fluffy skirts. I told her this not because it's a rule at her class, but because I would have had a harder time keeping her from wanting to play in it if it looked like something a princess would wear.
Well, the styles she liked didn't come in the size she needed. So we went to WalMart. The selections were far fewer, and we got a plain pink leotard and pink dance tights.
Then on to JoAnn Fabrics to pick out material for her dance bag. I had made one for Alair as a present at her recital. It was pink and lavender and had ballet fairies all over it. I figured we'd get something similar for Claire. Nope. Claire picked out black fabric with brightly colored, narrow stripes, and matching fabric with dots for the lining. I was impressed.
When the time finally came for her first class, I took her in and she put on her tap-tap shoes. Then she sat next to Alair on the floor with the rest of the class of nine little girls. Miss Sarah asked who was three years old. Only Claire raised her hand. There were a couple of 4-year-olds and mostly 5-year-olds. Claire was completely undaunted by being the youngest in the class. I wasn't too worried either. She had been told to do everything her teacher told her to do, and she was so eager to learn to dance that I knew she would do fine.
Miss Sarah had the girls stand up and spread out. Claire held out her arms to make sure she wasn't too close to any other girls. She was looking around, clearly making sure that she was doing the right thing. The best word to describe her expression is "earnest."
The girls started tapping. The noise nine little girls make with tap shoes in a small room rivals rock concerts, I'm sure. I left shortly after to take Natalie to the library, and I don't think Claire even noticed my absence. I came back at the end, and Claire was thrilled but tired.
We're going to have to work on managing the exhaustion, because Claire is very difficult to reason with when she's tired, and obviously, she's even more tired when dance is over. But overall, I think this is going to be a great activity for Claire.

Prayer

I'm praying today for the father of my children that he receives some peace from God.

He doesn't deserve it. But then, neither do I, and I received God's peace.

But he needs it, just like I did.

So I pray.

This is not me being noble or unselfish or anything like that. It's me just doing my best to do what's right.

Every New Beginning...

...comes from some other beginning's end.

My divorce was final last Friday. It was completely anti-climactic. I did not feel any different. I'm keeping my last name. The girls' visit schedule was not altered. I now get a check each month for the next 36 months for "spousal support." That's what they're calling alimony these days.

God has definitely worked this painful episode for good. How else could my twinges of discomfort about the church we had been attending be alleviated? How else could Claire be able to grow up alongside Alair? How else could Natalie grow up alongside Carly? Would both girls have had as much exposure to music as they will with Aunt Emmy banging the piano for them and Mommy in the Cannon Valley Lutheran High School band?

It's been tough, being the "tough one." But God has really strengthened my faith in knowing that He works everything for His good and does give me everything I need, just when I need it.

Okay, and yeah, Band. I am THE flute in the CVLHS band. I have no lip left and no breath, considering I haven't played an instrument in nearly 10 years, and I haven't played the flute in over 13 years. But it's coming back, and I'm having a lot of fun.

I am still baking bread. I haven't bought a loaf of bread in a couple of months, since we're not eating as much of it. The girls don't eat lunch at home during the week obviously, so I can keep up with our needs by baking about once a week.

I am in the middle of making my jean quilt. I've got nearly enough squares cut to start sewing, and I can't wait!

I will be buying my nook this week, as my reward to myself. I am looking forward to reading Dante's Inferno with the senior English class, on it. I am in the middle of three books and am waiting for my dad to build me another bookcase, as the ones that were built in at my house are overflowing.

Ahhh, life. It's really quite good, divorced or not.

Books

I rarely read more than one book at a time. Usually that's because I read fairly fast and can finish one before I want to get into another.
I started reading The Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel earlier this spring. I had seen on the CafeMom Bookaholics message board that the sixth in this series was coming out sometime this year. I noticed my parents had the first four in the library at their house, so I borrowed the first one. It was really good, but extremely dense with story and information, and I felt I really wanted to concentrate when I was reading it. So when I just wanted to read something and not have to use my whole brain, I would pull out another book and read some of that.
Well, now I'm reading the second book, The Valley of Horses. Again, it's a really good book, but very dense. So I'm also rereading The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough and Wizard and Glass by Stephen King, and reading Heat Wave by Richard Castle (it's a tie-in to the TV show Castle), and Larceny and Lace by Annette Blair.
Part of this is also because I finally got a library card down here in southern Minnesota, and I've been reading about good books on the Bookaholics page. It's fun to be in the middle of so many stories, and be able to keep track of all of them. I don't think I'll start any more before I finish some of these, though.

More bread

Today I'm making King Arthur Flour's Oatmeal Toasting Bread. It takes a fair amount of forethought to make it. For one thing, you have to have steel-cut oats. I bought some from KAF a few years ago for the express purpose of making this bread. But the oats got relegated to the freezer and I never made the bread.
Then you have to soak the oats in water overnight, mix most of the ingredients and let sit an hour, then 2 hour-long rises, then baking. The second rise is finishing right now, and I can't wait to try the bread this afternoon.
One thing I like most about making bread is that you know exactly what is in it. There are no weird sweeteners (like high-fructose corn syrup) or preservatives. I'm not one of those moms who insists on only organic foods for my kids or won't let them eat sugar or anything like that. But when you can control some of the over-processed junk that goes into their bodies, that's a good thing.
And now I will climb off my soapbox and put the bread in the oven.

Homemade bread

Before my life got thrown off-kilter, one of my New Year's resolutions was going to be to start making homemade bread. I have a Kitchen Aid stand mixer with a dough hook, and several of my cookbooks have some good and simple yeast bread recipes. Obviously, that resolution didn't happen at the New Year.
But now that I'm in my own house and have my own kitchen, I've started. Yesterday I made Vermont Oatmeal Maple-Honey Bread from the King Arthur Flour Baker's Companion. Mom made it a few times while we were living there, and I had all the ingredients on hand. Oh, boy, it smelled SO GOOD while it was baking. The girls and I have been eating it all day. Breakfast toast, lunch PB sandwiches.
This link from the King Arthur Flour website is essentially the same recipe. I used brown sugar instead of maple sugar and put in 1/2 teaspoon of maple flavoring.
http://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/vermont-whole-wheat-oatmeal-honey-bread-recipe
I'm hoping to make bread often, so that the girls and I are eating at least as much homemade bread as store-bought.

Making a 3-year-old see logic

The girls and I were at my aunt's house this evening, and we got home slightly past bedtime. We promptly started getting ready for bed. Claire pulled off all her clothes and had some difficulty taking off her shirt. Then I started getting Natalie's jammies on to give Claire practice at putting on her nightgown herself. This is a task I have observed her perform several times.

Claire (ready to have a 3-year-old meltdown): I can't do it!
Me: Yes, you can. You've done it before.
Claire (melting down): Noooo I caaaan't.
Me: Well, when it worked before, what did you do?
Claire (pulling nightgown over her head): I did this.
Me: That's right. Then what?
Claire (putting arms in sleeves): This.
Me: Claire, you know what? You just put your nightie on.
And she looked at me in utter perplexity.

I could not believe the trick worked. It felt like one of those ideas you read about in parenting books and parenting magazines and parenting websites that no matter how you try, they never seem to work. But it worked!

Yummy snack

I just invented a fantastic snack. I put fresh, pitted cherries in a bowl and sprinkled some brownie crumbs on top. (I had made a pan of brownies, and when they started to dry out, I crumbled them and put them in a container in the fridge.) Then I spooned some yogurt over the top. Yum, yum, yum.

Top Five Things About This Weekend

5. Claire is now in big-girl underwear! She had to go a week without pooping in her pull-up. Mission accomplished.
4. Claire's recitation of The Great Commission begins with "Go therefore, making disciples of all masons..." The children at VBS this year memorized the whole verse, and Claire can say most of it with only a little prompting. Pretty good for a 3-year-old.
3. Had a great time at the Morgan Creek Winery in New Ulm with my high school crowd. We drank a lot of wine, looked at the obnoxious and dorky pictures in our high school yearbooks, and enjoyed each other's company.
2. Eating a deep-fried Oreo at Bullhead Days. Enough said.
1. Finally, finally saw Natalie take a few steps. She's done it a couple of times already, but not when I was around. This morning she stepped from Gamma to me.

A home of my own

I signed a lease last week on an old and small but very nice house. I've been slowly moving my stuff in. It's difficult to downsize kitchens when you're a cook. But I'm working on it. The cupboard that has been stored in Mom & Dad's poolhouse since I graduated from college will be coming in handy, as soon as my brother and his buddies can move it for me.
I found quite a variety of stuff when I cleaned it out yesterday. Shotgun shells, doe urine, a prom garter, ear plugs, carpet, swim goggles, flippers, belt buckles. No condoms or anything that's illegal, fortunately. It all got tossed into a big box for someone (my youngest brother, probably) to deal with.
I've got a large number of books on shelves too. The EX never liked having all my books out on display, so mostly they stayed on shelves in the game closet. Well, now that I can DO WHAT I WANT WITH THEM, they're out. The house has a built-in desk between the dining room and living room, and above it are shelves, kind of like a hutch that you buy with a computer desk. And the shelves are filled, quite nicely, with my wonderful library. I've still got my YA books living in boxes, but maybe my dad will build some more shelves at some point.
The house comes with a 2-stall garage, which is hilarious for me. I've got my minivan, my bike, the girls' bike trailer, and their wagon to store in the garage. Oh, and the only thing on a shelf, which is my ice scraper. Won't be needing that for a couple of months. It's 94 outside today and muggy, which doesn't surprise anyone around here at all, considering that we had a hard freeze less than two weeks ago.

Projects

In an effort to keep myself thinking toward the future, work on my hobbies, and make some goals for the rest of the year, I've made my list of "projects" that I want to accomplish in 2010.

~Frame Andy & Christine's wedding gift (they were married last August)
~Finish and frame LeeAnn & Jeremy's wedding gift (they were married last May)
~Start, finish, and frame Jennifer & Seth's wedding gift (they were married last October)
~(This one I'm really excited about) Make a queen-sized jean rag quilt. I have lots of my old and worn or skinny jeans in a garbage bag downstairs. I was going to Goodwill them, but then I realized that I have to buy a quilt for when I buy a bed for when I move out of my parents' house. Why not just make one for myself? I've never made a quilt in my life. Eh. Gotta try new things, right?
~Tend my raspberry patch. Yesterday the girls had their first visit back at the old house (now Daddy's house). That was because I wanted to go up there and dig up my raspberry bushes, which the EX has never really had much interest in. My dad and I replanted almost 25 plants today. I hope that we didn't interrupt the growing cycle too much and that we can have at least some berries this summer. Claire really enjoyed helping pick berries last year, and it would be fun to do it again.
~Read through my TBR (to be read) pile(s) of books. Since joining CafeMom and becoming a member of the CafeMom Bookaholics, I decided I wanted to actually read all the books I've gotten, but never got around to reading. I have quite a stack, and I'm sure it will only get bigger, since it's only April.
~I also hope to find a job, find my own place to live, get Claire to poop on the potty, and get Natalie to gain some weight. These things, however, are a little more out of my control.

I hope to look back on this year and see that I accomplished a lot, not just that I got divorced.

A Woman's Guide to Starting Over

I found this on the Over 30 Divorced Moms group at Cafe Mom. I think I'm going to try to follow these ideas. I've kind of lost myself over the last few years and it's not only going to be about reinventing myself, it's going to be re-finding myself.


A Woman's Guide to Starting Over

Nothing can knock a woman off her feet like the loss of the man she loves, but a contented life after such a loss is possible. One method that has proven successful sounds deceptively simple. It’s a slow, tedious process punctuated by occasional moments of great joy—and it offers a huge payoff.

The method is this: the gradual reinvention of oneself. Reinvention doesn’t mean abandoning your heart and soul. It means discovering parts of yourself you may not have known existed and exposing yourself to new experiences.

Keep in mind that:

Reinvention can begin whenever you’re ready.
Reinvention happens in stages that can bring periods of discouragement, backsliding, even stalling out.
Reinvention happens over a period of years, not months.
Reinvention doesn’t require abandoning memories or long-standing loyalties.
Reinvention doesn’t mean grieving must stop.
Nurture your "self."
Become your own best friend. Here's how:

Once you stop insulting yourself and start making yourself smile or snicker when you would normally curse, you will instinctively become more patient with yourself.
If you are very angry about your situation, limit the extent of time you let yourself feel angry. Characterize it as disappointment instead.

Avoid exposing yourself to certain pain. Don’t listen to songs that remind you of special times with your ex. Stay away from restaurants, parks and museums that were favorites during your relationship. Store CDs and movies that evoke heart-breaking memories.

Value your “self.” Don’t eat stale cereal or wear panties with holes. Allow yourself to have toast and ice cream for dinner if that’s what sounds good. Stop watching the news if you want to. Avoid people that give you heartburn. Evaluate your surroundings.

During the first stage of your transformation, the goal is to lighten your heavy emotional load. These suggestions are less about redecorating than changing your outlook. (Attitude follows behavior.)

Starting in your living room or bedroom:

Survey the room and decide what objects stir up unpleasant or painful memories—an item from your in-laws, a birthday gift, something you gave to your ex, a photograph, a souvenir—and either get rid of them or store them, even if only temporarily.

Replace them with items you accumulated during happier times, like photos of high school friends, something your child made for you or a treasure from your grandma. Everything within your view should trigger positive thoughts.

Budget permitting, get rid of some of your furniture and buy things you want, things that give you positive emotional energy. Or simply trade items with your sister, liven up a worn-out wooden table and chairs with paint, buy a new bedspread, slipcovers or throw pillows.

Consider changing styles; if you have always been traditional, maybe go with a more contemporary look.

Make personal changes.
When you look different, you feel different. Change something about your appearance:

Try a new haircut or color from a professional (no do-it-yourself projects; you can’t set yourself up for failure).

Ask a department store cosmetics pro for new make-up ideas and clothing color advice.

One piece at a time, get rid of clothes that carry painful memories and try something new—a leather jacket, an uncharacteristically colorful sweater, red high tops or polka-dotted underwear.

Learn something new.
There is probably something you’ve had an unfulfilled interest in. When you feel ready to be around a group of strangers:

Volunteer to do something meaningful to you that uses your talents, and that you can make a commitment to once you know you like it.

Take a class; for example, photography, art, landscaping, knitting, computer or cooking.

Pick up a few college credits if that appeals to you.

Learn to swim, play tennis, play bridge or scuba dive.

Join a group charter traveling to a place you’ve never been.

When you have progressed through your transformation, you can look back and say, “I liked who I was then, and I love who I am now.” Despite occasional skepticism, you persevered. And now you’re not just surviving, you’re thriving.

Fascination

When Claire was born, everything she did was a source of fascination for me. She's focusing on my face! She likes ceiling fans! She's smiling! Oh my goodness, she LAUGHED!!! Even as she became a toddler, the stuff she did was thrilling. Climbing up the stairs, climbing back down the stairs. Finally talking (they really do mean "explosion" when they refer to a "language explosion") and learning all of her letters around the age of 2.
I really, really hoped that I would be just as fascinated by Natalie. And for the most part, I am, because she and Claire are quite different. As a newborn, Natalie was really mellow and content to watch her world from my arms or her carseat. But then she realized that she wanted to be like Claire and Alair (my 4 1/2 year old sister). Once we moved to Mom & Dad's house, Natalie's desire to be one of the big girls really spurred her to achieve independent movement much earlier than Claire did. Natalie was crawling backwards around 7 months, finally getting the hang of forward gear about a month later. And by about 9 months, she was trying to pull up on furniture. Now she cruises around the furniture and wants so badly to be able to walk by herself. She likes getting into everything she can. She's already contemplated climbing the stairs. She loves going down to the playroom and being with the big girls. Natalie's world is meant to be explored! The big girls get to do all kinds of stuff, so Natalie thinks she ought to be able to, too. She smiles so big when she "gets away" with things like opening a drawer and getting stuff out.
I really hope both girls stay so fascinating for a long time yet.

Not Listening

Today the girls are having their fourth visit with their father since he asked for the divorce. I am slowly getting used to not listening for them. My ears are always attuned to the girls. Even if I'm in the middle of something else, I keep one ear out for my girls.
The first time they visited their father, I was going crazy. I was wandering aimlessly around the house, I couldn't concentrate on anything, and I was LISTENING. Why wasn't Natalie crying? Why wasn't Claire asking me to help her on the potty? It actually took me a couple of seconds each time to remember that they weren't in the house. But now, even though I'm still restless and find it difficult to concentrate, I'm getting used to it.
Today I've played a little Playstation (I'm going to save up and buy a Wii at some point) and now I've got a movie on and I'm going to work on organizing my embroidery supplies. That's pretty much the only hobby stuff I've got here that I want to have out. I have 3 wedding gifts from last year that I've got to get finished.

Sleep training, Natalie version

When I was pregnant with Natalie, I wrote a post about sleep-training Claire who was about 25 months old at the time. Well, I had decided when Natalie was born that I wouldn't wait that long to make sure she slept through the night. I thought probably at the time I weaned her, I would do some sleep training.
Well, what with the pending divorce, the two girls and I sleeping in the same room, and me having to get a job that pays actual money sooner than later, I thought now would be a good time to start. Natalie is 9 months old and I recognize her cries well enough to know when she's hungry, sick, in pain, or just asking for a hug.
Last night was night 6, and I only had to get up two or three times to replace the pacifier. Otherwise, she slept from 8:30 last night until 7:30 this morning. Plus she took an almost 2-hour nap this afternoon, which is a huge nap for her.
I do wish I didn't have to let her cry it out, and I know there will still be plenty of sleepless nights ahead. But last night I got more sleep in one night than I think I have since I got pregnant with Claire almost 4 years ago.

So...

January 2010 is on record as one of the suckiest months ever. The LT, who will now be called the EX, decided his post-traumatic stress disorder was getting to be too much for him, he couldn't "deal with the reality of his home situation" and was "on a self-destructive path", and left me and the girls, who will now be called their names of Claire and Natalie. The EX strung me along for a couple of weeks, finally asking for a divorce on January 18th. Now, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE, so I said no. But as is his wont, he got his way when he confessed to an affair at work, changed the locks to the house, and cancelled my bank account and credit card.
I really, really don't recognize this person anymore. I get just sick when I receive texts or phone calls from him. I went on a stress-induced Diet Coke starvation diet and lost nearly all my Natalie pregnancy weight, which one might think is a good thing until you remember that I'm still breastfeeding. So now I'm also supplementing with formula. My appetite has pretty much improved now, thanks to the fact that the girls and I moved in with my parents, youngest brother, and 4 1/2 year old sister. My mom is a great cook and while I am, too, I know I wouldn't have any interest in cooking for myself, a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old.
I also have to get a job. Even though the EX says he'll willingly pay child support, I will still need more money than that. I don't want to live with my parents forever (I am almost 31 years old). Plus, I will need to get out and meet people. My mom will be doing daycare for the girls, at least to start out. That will help transition them into not having me around 24/7.
Ugh. I can only hope and pray that the rest of 2010 goes better than the first two months.